Littlest Buddy...soon to be Big Brother

This has been a hard pregnancy for me!  Daddy can certainly vouch for that!  Physically, emotionally, spiritually.  The events around your birth changed the way our future babies have to be born.  I wish it wasn't that way, but it is - and I am totally at peace with your c-section and how you were born because it potentially saved both of our lives.  But this pregnancy has been full of unknowns, precautions, changes, and planning:  Will my water break early again?  Will taking weekly progesterone shots prevent PPROM or potentially given my recent health scare cause more harm than good?  I had to leave my OB after 7 years and 5 pregnancies because we no longer had the same goals for this pregnancy.  She put fears in my head that did not need to be there.  And so I fought for and found someone who would deliver me at 39 weeks, but there are still many fears and anxieties surrounding this upcoming c-section.  BUT I think one of the biggest stumbling blocks I'm having with this birth and c-section is the fact that you are no longer going to be my baby, Joshua.

You are my littlest buddy!  And now you'll no longer be my littlest.  I don't want the events of this baby and birth to overshadow and cause us to forget all the hard times and the miracle that you are.  I know that seems silly to say - that maybe we'd forget, but as time goes on the NICU becomes more and more of a memory even though it is still a large pain in my heart.

You are getting to be such a big boy.  I wish I had documented all of the adorable phases and things you did from last spring until now!  As you grow bigger, and overcome more delays people forget your story.  I am so thankful you are doing so well!  I know this is not realistic, but I want to be able to hold you and cuddle you forever.  Out of all of my kids, I want this for you.  It was hard upgrading David to big brother at only 17 months old, but this seems astronomically harder.  You and I (and our family) went through so much together.  I have physical scars because of you - and that is not a bad thing.  It just shows that we went through it together, that I had to sacrifice for you and you fought for your life.  It seems silly, but I don't want to share those scars with another baby.  I want those scars to be yours alone.  

I have prayed for joy in this pregnancy and it has been hard to find.  But I am praying for joy and peace with how this little baby girl is born.  Even though it has to be another c-section and she will share the scars that delivered you.  I found this recently and it gave me a little more peace:  It is about a woman coming to terms with her post-pregnancy self.  For me it isn't about the change in priorities, the weight gain, or how my proportions have changed, it is about the physical scars.  The ones that come with a c-section and that make me have to do a repeat c-section:

"My goal shouldn’t be to find the “me” that was lost. My goal should be to make friends with the woman that I have become. To embrace her for who she is. Scars and all.

Because even though she is different, she is worth knowing. She is worth being kind to… She is worth loving.

And while my body will never be what it once was, I have decided this,

My scars and changed self serve as a reminder of the Great Love that sacrificed His own body. Who bore His own scars. Whose body was broken that we might have life. I suppose great love always requires sacrifice. But if His love has taught me anything, it is that the sacrifice is always worth the gain.

So, friend? Your body might not look like it once did. But it tells the story of love. And there is no story more beautiful than that."

I think you can sense that things are changing around here.  You have started saying a new word:  bebe (baby).  We got out the bouncy seat and you put the baby doll in it.  You walk over to me and hug my leg for no reason.  You come over to my lap while I'm sitting down and rest your head on my knee.  You say "up" and rest your head on my shoulder.  I love the extra love little boy.  I need it!  Thank you!!!  I need lots of extra hugs!  You are my precious littlest buddy and I love you so, so much!  You will be a great big brother!