Littlest Buddy...soon to be Big Brother

This has been a hard pregnancy for me!  Daddy can certainly vouch for that!  Physically, emotionally, spiritually.  The events around your birth changed the way our future babies have to be born.  I wish it wasn't that way, but it is - and I am totally at peace with your c-section and how you were born because it potentially saved both of our lives.  But this pregnancy has been full of unknowns, precautions, changes, and planning:  Will my water break early again?  Will taking weekly progesterone shots prevent PPROM or potentially given my recent health scare cause more harm than good?  I had to leave my OB after 7 years and 5 pregnancies because we no longer had the same goals for this pregnancy.  She put fears in my head that did not need to be there.  And so I fought for and found someone who would deliver me at 39 weeks, but there are still many fears and anxieties surrounding this upcoming c-section.  BUT I think one of the biggest stumbling blocks I'm having with this birth and c-section is the fact that you are no longer going to be my baby, Joshua.

You are my littlest buddy!  And now you'll no longer be my littlest.  I don't want the events of this baby and birth to overshadow and cause us to forget all the hard times and the miracle that you are.  I know that seems silly to say - that maybe we'd forget, but as time goes on the NICU becomes more and more of a memory even though it is still a large pain in my heart.

You are getting to be such a big boy.  I wish I had documented all of the adorable phases and things you did from last spring until now!  As you grow bigger, and overcome more delays people forget your story.  I am so thankful you are doing so well!  I know this is not realistic, but I want to be able to hold you and cuddle you forever.  Out of all of my kids, I want this for you.  It was hard upgrading David to big brother at only 17 months old, but this seems astronomically harder.  You and I (and our family) went through so much together.  I have physical scars because of you - and that is not a bad thing.  It just shows that we went through it together, that I had to sacrifice for you and you fought for your life.  It seems silly, but I don't want to share those scars with another baby.  I want those scars to be yours alone.  

I have prayed for joy in this pregnancy and it has been hard to find.  But I am praying for joy and peace with how this little baby girl is born.  Even though it has to be another c-section and she will share the scars that delivered you.  I found this recently and it gave me a little more peace:  It is about a woman coming to terms with her post-pregnancy self.  For me it isn't about the change in priorities, the weight gain, or how my proportions have changed, it is about the physical scars.  The ones that come with a c-section and that make me have to do a repeat c-section:

"My goal shouldn’t be to find the “me” that was lost. My goal should be to make friends with the woman that I have become. To embrace her for who she is. Scars and all.

Because even though she is different, she is worth knowing. She is worth being kind to… She is worth loving.

And while my body will never be what it once was, I have decided this,

My scars and changed self serve as a reminder of the Great Love that sacrificed His own body. Who bore His own scars. Whose body was broken that we might have life. I suppose great love always requires sacrifice. But if His love has taught me anything, it is that the sacrifice is always worth the gain.

So, friend? Your body might not look like it once did. But it tells the story of love. And there is no story more beautiful than that."

I think you can sense that things are changing around here.  You have started saying a new word:  bebe (baby).  We got out the bouncy seat and you put the baby doll in it.  You walk over to me and hug my leg for no reason.  You come over to my lap while I'm sitting down and rest your head on my knee.  You say "up" and rest your head on my shoulder.  I love the extra love little boy.  I need it!  Thank you!!!  I need lots of extra hugs!  You are my precious littlest buddy and I love you so, so much!  You will be a great big brother!

Scars

Recently, Abby said, "Mommy, what are all of those white things on Joshua foot?"  And I had to explain to her that those tiny white specks are scars.  Scars from hundreds of needle pricks for blood draws, needle pokes for IVs, transfusions, and PICC lines, marks from TPN burns, and inscisions from surgeries.  They are on your hands, feet, heals, arm, leg, belly, groin, and back.  Most of the scars are still there, but those IV scars and blood draw pricks are fading and someday they will probably only be a memory.  There are definitely not as many as there used to be.  In some ways, it is sad to see them fade.  I don't want to forget all that we have been through with you, Joshua.  I don't want to forget the strength that you showed each and every day in the NICU.  Each of those scars are memories and steps in our journey that make our family who we are and that make you the strong little boy that you are.

This past week and a half has really got me thinking again about all that you went through.  As I have had to go into various doctors offices for tests, biopsies, blood-work, and an upcoming surgery, I've been scared.  I've been in pain, unable to cry, unable to move or else the test will get messed up...and I think about you unable to cry with a tube down your throat, unable to move because you were weak and your brain was too underdeveloped to coordinate your movements.  I felt like such a baby, for my procedure that "wasn't supposed to be painful"; it killed!  The numbing shot did not work and I feel like I should have been able to tough it out better.

But that cliche is not a good description of you, "cried like a baby" or "felt like a baby."  You were a baby, you weren't even to full-term yet and you didn't act like a baby; you were strong.

I am so thankful for your strength, your courage.  With the Lord's help, you fought for your life every day in the NICU.  You could have easily said, learning how to breathe is too much work, my head hurts too badly from the bleeding and the pressure, I don't want to fight another infection, I'm just too tired, my belly hurts - take this drain out, stop poking me, I've had enough!  But you didn't, you fought and we fought for you.  I love you so, SO much!  I am amazed at your strength Joshua!  And I love your scars!  I am blessed to be your mom!

Old Man

Here are the top ELEVEN ways you are like an old man:

11.  You have a HUGE potbelly!  Just like an old man (and each one of our kids) you look like you are 10 months pregnant.

10.  You like to rub your big belly.  After bath time or sometimes when you are getting your diaper changed you rub your hand across your belly.  It is usually when you are naked, but not always.

9.  Your teeth are yellow.  It is sad, but it is true that all of the antibiotics you were on and all of the TPN (IV food) you were on made your teeth stained yellow.  This medicine and food kept you alive though, so even though your teeth look rotten, I'd rather have yellow teeth and a baby to hug and hold than the alternative.  

8.  You have yucky yellow toenails.  The pediatrician said it is not fungus; it is not a deficiency; it is most likely the effects of TPN and your poor nutrition during your early stages.  Similar to why your teeth are yellow.

7.  You like to sleep.  You still take two naps.  Usually from 10-12:30 and then from 3-4:30.

6.  You like to talk to yourself.  We often find you playing in a corner at the play kitchen babbling to yourself.  Or we will find you in the corner by the front door playing with the magnets and babbling to yourself.  There is probably too much commotion around to do this babbling with all the other kids around so you just talk to yourself.  You have started to have a babbling conversation with us though.  If we ask you a question you may babble back an answer to us.  It is very cute!

5.  You like Oldies?...your babbling sounds just like the Hawaiian words, "Mele Kalikimaka" sung by Bing Crosby.  It is so funny how much your babbling reminds us of that song!  Apparently you've been listening to oldies!  

4.  You are forgetful.  You learn a word or a skill and then forget it!  Your first word "uh-oh" that you learned back about 4 months ago you have forgotten!  You don't say it anymore.  The same happened with climbing the stairs (although you have remembered how to do this again) and it happened with "all done" or "ahhh-EHHH" as you used to say, but now have forgotten.

3.   You use a walker...well, not really anymore!  You are walking about 75% of the time now!  You're amazing!  You still occasionally like to push a laundry basket or a popcorn tin around as you walk!

2.  You are bald...BUT, if you look closely, you have been growing a lot of hair lately!  After a fresh bath the fuzz on your head is so soft and fluffy!  But most days, you just look bald!  However, around the nape of your neck your hair is beginning to grow long!  There are some hairs that are 2-3 inches long!  This makes you look like a bald old man who only has a little bit of hair left!  I think we may be giving you your first haircut sooner rather than later to deal with this issue!

And the #1 reason you remind us of an old man is........

You have learned to carefully adjust your glasses when they get cockeyed.  It is THE MOST ADORABLE thing about you right now!!!  Mommy and Daddy will actually make your glasses crooked in order to watch you adjust them.  You do it so gently and cautiously!   Did I mention how adorable this is!?!?!

18 Months!

We had your 18 month appointment today and you were 20 lb 10.5 oz.  This is the 10th percentile for weight for an 18 month old!  and the 25th percentile for a 14 month old!  This is a HUGE jump onto the charts!!!  Dr. Brown was very pleased and said you were getting chubby!  Your growth chart for your length wasn't quite as big of a jump, but you are still making progress.  30 inches which is the 2nd percentile for an 18 month old and 15% for a 14 month old corrected.

He also put in for a audiology check-up to follow-up on your hearing because lots of NICU babies have high frequency hearing loss from all of the machines and medicine.  He also suggested we start speech therapy because the only communication you are giving us at the moment is signing "more."  You seem to have forgotten all of the other words that we thought you had learned.  It has definitely been on my radar, but I'm not too worried about it yet.  We compromised to wait till you are 20 months old and see if there is any progress because I don't want to add speech therapy on to the other appointments and commitments we have right now.

You have 10 teeth!  Your molars on the top are in.  The bottom molars are bulging but haven't broken through.

Your favorite toys are the Fisher Price car ramp - you love to put the cars down the ramp over and over and over again.  Another favorite are the Sassy baby beads from the BPD clinic.  You love to empty the bucket and fill it again and again.  They are vanilla scented which makes it an extra fun toy.  You also like to close all the animals on the Playskool pop up toy.

Cute things about you...you like to clap for yourself.  You love to play chase or hide and seek peekaboo with your siblings.  You can almost do a pull up on the table or the tv stand.  You are very strong!  One day David was sitting on the bench at the table you pushed the bench WHILE he was still sitting on it.  It was at least 40 lbs!

Amazed...at what God can do!

Ok, I think you're noticing a pattern here...This is another post where I'm going to brag about how much you have accomplished in such a short amount of time - how big you are growing and obviously how cute you are!!!

Each day you continue to amaze me Joshua!  In the past two weeks you have gone from walking a few steps here and there to walking across the room, or walking WHILE holding and drinking your bottle!

I may have said this before, but each time I express concern to a doctor, a therapist, a fellow NICU mom, or your dad...you see it as a challenge.  And you are always up for a challenge!!!
Me - "He doesn't take steps yet"...boom...you are walking across rooms!
Me - "He wouldn't even think to bring a blanket up to his head to play peek-a-boo"...boom...the next day you play peekaboo with us with no coaxing whatsoever!
Me - "He only says "uh-oh" and now he doesn't even really say that anymore"...boom...you begin mimicking sounds that I think sounds like "ah-EH" (all done)  "gah-kah" (cracker) "nah-nah" (night-night).
Me - "He refuses to sign, gets mad and pulls his hands apart, I've given up"...boom...you sign "more" to dad at dinner.

These type of milestones have been pretty consistent since you came home.  When I express doubt or discouragement with ANYTHING...sitting up, eating, chewing, gross motor, fine motor, verbal...you take it as a challenge and I'm amazed when you seem to show me, "Hey mom, I'm tough!  I'm doing this in my own time, but have faith in me!"

Last week I had this realization that yes, Joshua is showing me what amazing things he can do when the odds are against him, but wait a second...it isn't just Joshua...it is GOD!  God has had his hand on Joshua from the very, very beginning.  So isn't it God who is at the last second saying, "Sarah, have faith.  Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, I, the Lord your God will be with Joshua wherever he goes!  It is Me that is allowing Joshua to hit these milestones at just the right time.  Do not doubt Me or My plan.  I am in control and it is Me who gives your son strength to accomplish what seems impossible!  Don't praise Joshua without praising Me first!"

Where did everyone go?

I am constantly amazed at what your little mind is learning.  So many things I took for granted with the other three kids!  Today, we were all down the basement and since I was going back upstairs, I brought you back upstairs with me.  I set you down in the kitchen and began working on something.  Next thing I know, I look over at you and you crawled right over to the basement door.  You flatten yourself, laying on your belly and try to look under the basement door.  Then you yell/babble something to your siblings downstairs.  They don't hear you, so you crawl over to the closed laundry room door and lay flat and yell again under the door...no response.  So you crawl back over to the basement door.  This time you get distracted by the pile of shoes, but eventually you lay flat and do the same thing, calling for your siblings, "AHHH,,uh, eh, baBA."  I just keep watching and smiling seeing you try to call out, "Abby, David, Jeremiah, Where did you go?  Won't you play with me?"

Then all is stopped short when the kids come sprinting up the stairs and whack you in to face when they open door.  But you are tough, you didn't cry.  Such is the life of a 4th child.  No matter how often I drill into them, "Open doors slowly!!!"  A bump on the head is bound to happen, so you get a little beat up sometimes...but at least your playmates were back upstairs.  You are happy about that!

17 months!

Joshua - you are getting so big and strong!  You are consistently letting go of furniture to hold onto an item.  You bravely take 2-3 steps quite often before you fall to your knees to crawl.  You have grown an inch and gained 2 lbs this month!  28.75 inches and 19.5 lbs unofficially this morning.  You have 8 teeth now!   You are babbling more and more and you get quite loud because you have to compete with your siblings.  You want to be heard!  You said "mama" for the first time in context today!  Your 2nd word!  A joy to my heart.  I was sitting on the couch on the computer and you cruised over to me and said "mama" to get my attention!  I swooped you up off your feet and gave you a big kiss and said another "Thank you" to our Lord!  It is hard to believe you are 17 months old!

Happy 17 months!

We got some snow this week and you
enjoyed watching the kids "shovel" the deck
and play in the backyard.