Scars

Recently, Abby said, "Mommy, what are all of those white things on Joshua foot?"  And I had to explain to her that those tiny white specks are scars.  Scars from hundreds of needle pricks for blood draws, needle pokes for IVs, transfusions, and PICC lines, marks from TPN burns, and inscisions from surgeries.  They are on your hands, feet, heals, arm, leg, belly, groin, and back.  Most of the scars are still there, but those IV scars and blood draw pricks are fading and someday they will probably only be a memory.  There are definitely not as many as there used to be.  In some ways, it is sad to see them fade.  I don't want to forget all that we have been through with you, Joshua.  I don't want to forget the strength that you showed each and every day in the NICU.  Each of those scars are memories and steps in our journey that make our family who we are and that make you the strong little boy that you are.

This past week and a half has really got me thinking again about all that you went through.  As I have had to go into various doctors offices for tests, biopsies, blood-work, and an upcoming surgery, I've been scared.  I've been in pain, unable to cry, unable to move or else the test will get messed up...and I think about you unable to cry with a tube down your throat, unable to move because you were weak and your brain was too underdeveloped to coordinate your movements.  I felt like such a baby, for my procedure that "wasn't supposed to be painful"; it killed!  The numbing shot did not work and I feel like I should have been able to tough it out better.

But that cliche is not a good description of you, "cried like a baby" or "felt like a baby."  You were a baby, you weren't even to full-term yet and you didn't act like a baby; you were strong.

I am so thankful for your strength, your courage.  With the Lord's help, you fought for your life every day in the NICU.  You could have easily said, learning how to breathe is too much work, my head hurts too badly from the bleeding and the pressure, I don't want to fight another infection, I'm just too tired, my belly hurts - take this drain out, stop poking me, I've had enough!  But you didn't, you fought and we fought for you.  I love you so, SO much!  I am amazed at your strength Joshua!  And I love your scars!  I am blessed to be your mom!