Congratulations?

"Congratulations!"  That is the normal response when a mom has a baby! 

But when Joshua was born that word made me angry.  In my opinion, a micro-preemie birth is not a reason to give someone congratulations.  "Congratulations!" your baby was born so early he has a high probability of dying or having severe handicaps..."Congratulations!"  Really?!  Could you please think before you speak?  Those who congratulated me included nurses, hospital workers, family, friends...That first week (or more) I HATED that word!

If you are reading this and you said "Congrats!" to me when Joshua was first born I forgive you, but there is a more thoughtful way to respond!  Because if someone didn't say "Congratulations" they usually didn't say anything...and that hurt the same as the insensitive Congrats!  

Saying nothing meant that you did not acknowledge the life that I just gave birth to.  It still is a baby, one who is fighting for his life.  I needed support, encouragement, and in the days to come I needed someone to acknowledge my baby.  I often felt that people understood that our family was going through a rough time (by providing meals, gift cards, or childcare), but heaven forbid they show any sign of compassion toward how Joshua was doing or how we were really doing!  Heaven forbid they act like we had a real baby and get him a cute gift like others had done for my full term kids.  Or heaven forbid they come to the hospital to visit this child that I birthed and was fighting every moment to breathe!  I desperately wanted people to see my son, not because I asked or nagged them, but because they wanted to support me, Joshua, and our family.  I wanted them to care to see this difficult slice of our lives.  But people didn't want to "bother" us, so NO ONE came.  We had three visits from Columbus friends during our 5 month NICU stay - that’s it!  And extended family wasn't much better!  

Face-to-face people rarely even asked about Joshua.  There were a few people who asked, but you could tell by their demeanor that they really didn't want to hear a truthful answer and it was frustrating to me…then why ask?!  They didn't want to hear the struggles.  There were a select few who I shared my heart with, but after doing so it was clear that they didn't want to hear it either.  They just wanted to pass me along to a “professional” to discuss my feelings.  True friendship stands beside the hurting soul and realizes that sometimes “Congratulations” are not in order, but sometimes a shoulder to cry on is.  You don't need to give advice, just listen and care,  be present, and continue to ask throughout the WHOLE journey...and really listen to the answer even when the answer isn't an easy peasy - "Everything's great!"

I have such a love/hate relationship with FB.  Some of my FB “friends” have never once talked to me face to face although we may go to the same church.  Or there are others who write beautiful notes on facebook like they are my best friend, but then play with my emotions because they rarely talk face to face.  If there is no face-to-face relationship then any type of FB relationship is meaningless.  There are days that I feel that those people don’t deserve a glimpse into my life anymore.  But yet Joshua’s story is one that is a testimony to the Lord’s faithfulness, so I feel obligated to update.

All that random talking to say… One year later, I was excited to celebrate Joshua's big MILESTONE birthday!  To celebrate and congratulate Joshua on his big year we got a very thoughtful shower of cards from Fort Wayne.  People from my parent's church got together and showered us with birthday cards for our birthday boy.  It is too bad that it took a year for people to celebrate, but I’m thankful for it.