Thinking back: Heart surgery

One year ago I went to the hospital to spend the night to hold you to prepare you for your heart surgery.  Emotional as I often am, I called a friend on the way to the hospital for emotional support.  I was nervous about the kangaroo session with a night nurse I didn't know and overall nervous about what the next day would hold.  This friend replied by asking, "Well, is it necessary for you to go in and hold him?"  Ummm...YES!  What kind of question was that?!

This was one of the many insensitive comments that people said to us throughout the journey.  The "friends" that "seemed" to walk by my side more out of pity or obligation than to be a loving, compassionate shoulder to cry on like I so desperately needed!

I could not verbally express my feelings at this time last year, but I was so scared that you would not make it through the surgery or that in the days to come you would pass away.  You were very fragile, not even three pounds.  This PDA ligation used to be a more common surgery, but in recent years at Children's they have been able to close the hole using medication instead of surgery.  Our group of doctors had only had two patients in the past year that had undergone this surgery.  One had passed away.  50% is not very good odds and I was scared!

So, YES! I HAD to hold you, for as long as they would allow me to hold you!  I couldn't forgive myself if I chose sleep over possibly my last chance to hold you.  What kind of mother would even contemplate that idea?!  What kind of friend suggests that idea?  I didn't realize how great my love for you was then - I was just operating in fear and instinct.

The day before your surgery

Right before your surgery

But now one year later on the eve of your heart surgery anniversary, you laid snuggled on my chest sound asleep and I gave you the biggest hug and allowed the tears to stream down my face.  Tears of love, tears of joy, tears of longing for a true friend in Columbus.  I love you so much Joshua.  My love has never felt so strong or so deep for any of my children as it does for you now.  It is amazing how far the Lord has brought you and what you have overcome with His strength.  I absolutely love your little glasses on you.  To me it is a symbol of strength and courage for all you have been through and all you have overcome.  It makes me feel so good to see this very tangible thing that I was able to do for you and how you thanked me with that beautiful smile.

I love you Joshua  - to the moon and back - sleep peacefully tonight my son.

Thank you Lord for this overwhelming, overflowing, down deep to the innermost part of my heart, this love I feel for Joshua.