Scars

Recently, Abby said, "Mommy, what are all of those white things on Joshua foot?"  And I had to explain to her that those tiny white specks are scars.  Scars from hundreds of needle pricks for blood draws, needle pokes for IVs, transfusions, and PICC lines, marks from TPN burns, and inscisions from surgeries.  They are on your hands, feet, heals, arm, leg, belly, groin, and back.  Most of the scars are still there, but those IV scars and blood draw pricks are fading and someday they will probably only be a memory.  There are definitely not as many as there used to be.  In some ways, it is sad to see them fade.  I don't want to forget all that we have been through with you, Joshua.  I don't want to forget the strength that you showed each and every day in the NICU.  Each of those scars are memories and steps in our journey that make our family who we are and that make you the strong little boy that you are.

This past week and a half has really got me thinking again about all that you went through.  As I have had to go into various doctors offices for tests, biopsies, blood-work, and an upcoming surgery, I've been scared.  I've been in pain, unable to cry, unable to move or else the test will get messed up...and I think about you unable to cry with a tube down your throat, unable to move because you were weak and your brain was too underdeveloped to coordinate your movements.  I felt like such a baby, for my procedure that "wasn't supposed to be painful"; it killed!  The numbing shot did not work and I feel like I should have been able to tough it out better.

But that cliche is not a good description of you, "cried like a baby" or "felt like a baby."  You were a baby, you weren't even to full-term yet and you didn't act like a baby; you were strong.

I am so thankful for your strength, your courage.  With the Lord's help, you fought for your life every day in the NICU.  You could have easily said, learning how to breathe is too much work, my head hurts too badly from the bleeding and the pressure, I don't want to fight another infection, I'm just too tired, my belly hurts - take this drain out, stop poking me, I've had enough!  But you didn't, you fought and we fought for you.  I love you so, SO much!  I am amazed at your strength Joshua!  And I love your scars!  I am blessed to be your mom!

Old Man

Here are the top ELEVEN ways you are like an old man:

11.  You have a HUGE potbelly!  Just like an old man (and each one of our kids) you look like you are 10 months pregnant.

10.  You like to rub your big belly.  After bath time or sometimes when you are getting your diaper changed you rub your hand across your belly.  It is usually when you are naked, but not always.

9.  Your teeth are yellow.  It is sad, but it is true that all of the antibiotics you were on and all of the TPN (IV food) you were on made your teeth stained yellow.  This medicine and food kept you alive though, so even though your teeth look rotten, I'd rather have yellow teeth and a baby to hug and hold than the alternative.  

8.  You have yucky yellow toenails.  The pediatrician said it is not fungus; it is not a deficiency; it is most likely the effects of TPN and your poor nutrition during your early stages.  Similar to why your teeth are yellow.

7.  You like to sleep.  You still take two naps.  Usually from 10-12:30 and then from 3-4:30.

6.  You like to talk to yourself.  We often find you playing in a corner at the play kitchen babbling to yourself.  Or we will find you in the corner by the front door playing with the magnets and babbling to yourself.  There is probably too much commotion around to do this babbling with all the other kids around so you just talk to yourself.  You have started to have a babbling conversation with us though.  If we ask you a question you may babble back an answer to us.  It is very cute!

5.  You like Oldies?...your babbling sounds just like the Hawaiian words, "Mele Kalikimaka" sung by Bing Crosby.  It is so funny how much your babbling reminds us of that song!  Apparently you've been listening to oldies!  

4.  You are forgetful.  You learn a word or a skill and then forget it!  Your first word "uh-oh" that you learned back about 4 months ago you have forgotten!  You don't say it anymore.  The same happened with climbing the stairs (although you have remembered how to do this again) and it happened with "all done" or "ahhh-EHHH" as you used to say, but now have forgotten.

3.   You use a walker...well, not really anymore!  You are walking about 75% of the time now!  You're amazing!  You still occasionally like to push a laundry basket or a popcorn tin around as you walk!

2.  You are bald...BUT, if you look closely, you have been growing a lot of hair lately!  After a fresh bath the fuzz on your head is so soft and fluffy!  But most days, you just look bald!  However, around the nape of your neck your hair is beginning to grow long!  There are some hairs that are 2-3 inches long!  This makes you look like a bald old man who only has a little bit of hair left!  I think we may be giving you your first haircut sooner rather than later to deal with this issue!

And the #1 reason you remind us of an old man is........

You have learned to carefully adjust your glasses when they get cockeyed.  It is THE MOST ADORABLE thing about you right now!!!  Mommy and Daddy will actually make your glasses crooked in order to watch you adjust them.  You do it so gently and cautiously!   Did I mention how adorable this is!?!?!

18 Months!

We had your 18 month appointment today and you were 20 lb 10.5 oz.  This is the 10th percentile for weight for an 18 month old!  and the 25th percentile for a 14 month old!  This is a HUGE jump onto the charts!!!  Dr. Brown was very pleased and said you were getting chubby!  Your growth chart for your length wasn't quite as big of a jump, but you are still making progress.  30 inches which is the 2nd percentile for an 18 month old and 15% for a 14 month old corrected.

He also put in for a audiology check-up to follow-up on your hearing because lots of NICU babies have high frequency hearing loss from all of the machines and medicine.  He also suggested we start speech therapy because the only communication you are giving us at the moment is signing "more."  You seem to have forgotten all of the other words that we thought you had learned.  It has definitely been on my radar, but I'm not too worried about it yet.  We compromised to wait till you are 20 months old and see if there is any progress because I don't want to add speech therapy on to the other appointments and commitments we have right now.

You have 10 teeth!  Your molars on the top are in.  The bottom molars are bulging but haven't broken through.

Your favorite toys are the Fisher Price car ramp - you love to put the cars down the ramp over and over and over again.  Another favorite are the Sassy baby beads from the BPD clinic.  You love to empty the bucket and fill it again and again.  They are vanilla scented which makes it an extra fun toy.  You also like to close all the animals on the Playskool pop up toy.

Cute things about you...you like to clap for yourself.  You love to play chase or hide and seek peekaboo with your siblings.  You can almost do a pull up on the table or the tv stand.  You are very strong!  One day David was sitting on the bench at the table you pushed the bench WHILE he was still sitting on it.  It was at least 40 lbs!

Amazed...at what God can do!

Ok, I think you're noticing a pattern here...This is another post where I'm going to brag about how much you have accomplished in such a short amount of time - how big you are growing and obviously how cute you are!!!

Each day you continue to amaze me Joshua!  In the past two weeks you have gone from walking a few steps here and there to walking across the room, or walking WHILE holding and drinking your bottle!

I may have said this before, but each time I express concern to a doctor, a therapist, a fellow NICU mom, or your dad...you see it as a challenge.  And you are always up for a challenge!!!
Me - "He doesn't take steps yet"...boom...you are walking across rooms!
Me - "He wouldn't even think to bring a blanket up to his head to play peek-a-boo"...boom...the next day you play peekaboo with us with no coaxing whatsoever!
Me - "He only says "uh-oh" and now he doesn't even really say that anymore"...boom...you begin mimicking sounds that I think sounds like "ah-EH" (all done)  "gah-kah" (cracker) "nah-nah" (night-night).
Me - "He refuses to sign, gets mad and pulls his hands apart, I've given up"...boom...you sign "more" to dad at dinner.

These type of milestones have been pretty consistent since you came home.  When I express doubt or discouragement with ANYTHING...sitting up, eating, chewing, gross motor, fine motor, verbal...you take it as a challenge and I'm amazed when you seem to show me, "Hey mom, I'm tough!  I'm doing this in my own time, but have faith in me!"

Last week I had this realization that yes, Joshua is showing me what amazing things he can do when the odds are against him, but wait a second...it isn't just Joshua...it is GOD!  God has had his hand on Joshua from the very, very beginning.  So isn't it God who is at the last second saying, "Sarah, have faith.  Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, I, the Lord your God will be with Joshua wherever he goes!  It is Me that is allowing Joshua to hit these milestones at just the right time.  Do not doubt Me or My plan.  I am in control and it is Me who gives your son strength to accomplish what seems impossible!  Don't praise Joshua without praising Me first!"

Where did everyone go?

I am constantly amazed at what your little mind is learning.  So many things I took for granted with the other three kids!  Today, we were all down the basement and since I was going back upstairs, I brought you back upstairs with me.  I set you down in the kitchen and began working on something.  Next thing I know, I look over at you and you crawled right over to the basement door.  You flatten yourself, laying on your belly and try to look under the basement door.  Then you yell/babble something to your siblings downstairs.  They don't hear you, so you crawl over to the closed laundry room door and lay flat and yell again under the door...no response.  So you crawl back over to the basement door.  This time you get distracted by the pile of shoes, but eventually you lay flat and do the same thing, calling for your siblings, "AHHH,,uh, eh, baBA."  I just keep watching and smiling seeing you try to call out, "Abby, David, Jeremiah, Where did you go?  Won't you play with me?"

Then all is stopped short when the kids come sprinting up the stairs and whack you in to face when they open door.  But you are tough, you didn't cry.  Such is the life of a 4th child.  No matter how often I drill into them, "Open doors slowly!!!"  A bump on the head is bound to happen, so you get a little beat up sometimes...but at least your playmates were back upstairs.  You are happy about that!

17 months!

Joshua - you are getting so big and strong!  You are consistently letting go of furniture to hold onto an item.  You bravely take 2-3 steps quite often before you fall to your knees to crawl.  You have grown an inch and gained 2 lbs this month!  28.75 inches and 19.5 lbs unofficially this morning.  You have 8 teeth now!   You are babbling more and more and you get quite loud because you have to compete with your siblings.  You want to be heard!  You said "mama" for the first time in context today!  Your 2nd word!  A joy to my heart.  I was sitting on the couch on the computer and you cruised over to me and said "mama" to get my attention!  I swooped you up off your feet and gave you a big kiss and said another "Thank you" to our Lord!  It is hard to believe you are 17 months old!

Happy 17 months!

We got some snow this week and you
enjoyed watching the kids "shovel" the deck
and play in the backyard.

No place like home!

I woke up this morning all sentimental, thinking back one year ago when I woke up in utter disbelief and praise that discharge day was finally here!  And today I am praising the Lord again for a year at home with my little boy!  At times the pains of the NICU are so raw it is hard to believe that it has been almost 18 months since this journey began.  Then there are times that I look back in disbelief like it was all a dream.  How could we have done that?  Daily trips to the hospital, walking that medical journey, learning as much medical jargon as to be mistaken for an RN or MD.  But then reality hits when Joshua gets a cold this week and the concerns of his sick lungs are still very real.   Joshua is a gross, snotty, drooling, mucussy mess with a cough that makes me very concerned.  With my other babies there was no real medical concern with having a cold.  It was just a nuisance.  But with Joshua, I am constantly putting my ear to his back listening to his lungs, checking his finger tips or toes, checking his chest for retracting, for signs of respiratory distress.

Thankfully, on this anniversary of his homecoming we are not making a trip back to NCH.  We got to celebrate at home.  Chickfila and a DQ style!

You didn't like the cold icecream...
at least for the first couple bites.

First steps!

You are getting close to walking!  While cleaning the basement we found an empty popcorn tin that was going to go to the trash can UNTIL you started pushing it around!  It is the perfect height and it pushes easily on our kitchen floor.  So the popcorn tin is going to stick around for a little while!

You took your first steps earlier this week!  It was funny - Abby and I were trying David's old soft soled shoes on you and it was like you knew that you were supposed to walk in shoes.  When the shoes were on your feet you took two steps toward the dresser!  You were very proud!  Then Daddy saw you take two steps last night!  You still have to work on getting more steady, but you are making good progress!

Bulking up!

Today a home nurse came to give Joshua his monthly shot for RSV and she did her normal routine weighing him and checking him over.  He weighed 9.05Kg which is 19lb 14oz!!!  Last month she weighed him at 17lb 14oz!!!  That is TWO POUNDS in ONE MONTH!!!  That is CRAZY!

There were several days when he woke up this month and I thought "WOW, I think you grew!"  And I guess it was really true!  I am almost in disbelief, wondering if her scale was calibrated correctly, so I guess I'll believe it a little more next time he gets weighed.  But we've been feeding Joshua a lot more table food this month and we started giving him more protein - meat and beans.  He's learned to chew a lot better and not mash food on the roof of his mouth.  BPD said he can't come off formula (to cow milk) until he eats more protein, so we've been working on it.

Such a big boy you are, Joshua!  You must be working on catching up!!!

Go Buckeyes!

Buckeyes are playing for the National Championship tonight!  Good Luck Buckeyes!

You are studying the camera with your sideways stare.

Abby suggested we draw Brutus for homeschool art today!
I was so happy with how they ALL turned out!  Especially the boys!
Top row: Mommy, David  Bottom row: Jeremiah, Abby

*Update* - OSU WON the National Championship!!!

Christmas part 2 till NYE

Later on Christmas Day, Grandma and Grandpa Weide came to open more presents and have Christmas dinner with us.

Even before Christmas was over, she had a potholder
 finished on her new loom!

Merry Christmas!

Looking at the moon with her new telescope!

Happy New Year!  Cousin Noelle was here to celebrate!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! (and Happy New year too!)  What a joy it was to be with you - Joshua - this Christmas.  To have our family all together...all HOME!!!

I finally ordered a 'home' sign that I had been wanting since November 2013.  After I filmed the holiday commercial when I said, "he has two brothers and a sister waiting for him at home" home became a very special word.  But home was a lofty achievement for you at that point.  It was so far out in the distance that it didn't seem realistic to talk about, but I wanted it so badly.  My heart ached for our family to be together.  Home brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes whenever I spoke the word.  Then as late January approached and discussion of "going to the zoo" (NCH NICU lingo for going home) began - Home became a realistic goal, but it made me so anxious too.  I wasn't scared to bring you home, but I was just sad to leave the people we had grown to love.  Then Home became a praise to God, a joyful achievement! A graduation status.  And it brought tears of joy.  This Christmas, HOME is a blessing, a joy, a miracle and I'm so glad you humored me and took some photos with my "home" sign.  It may not be your first Christmas, but your first Christmas at home is  a HUGE celebration!  We are all together and I can hug you and kiss you and snuggle you and cry tears of joy...all because you are HOME!  Thank you Lord!

On Christmas Eve it was just our family.  A normal day, followed by a nice dinner, lots of photos, and church and more photos.  Everyone got to open one gift after church this year...my little Popper's penguins!!!

I love this!  Jeremiah is so affectionate!

Captain Cook and Nelson

All dressed and ready for bed!

Christmas morning we opened lots of gifts and had pancakes.

You love your new touch and feel book!

After 3 years of asking...she finally gets one!

You love your new car ramp.
You figured out how to put the cars
on and you love it!  I'm amazed!
I thought you'd have to get a little older
to appreciate it.

Daddy loves his photo calendar for work.

Disney Cars and Planes were the big
hit for the boys this year.

There is nothing like a "new" toy
that we found in the closet, put some
new batteries in and wrapped up for you!
You loved it!

Daddy is protecting himself in the background.

A popular gift for you this year...puffs.
Everyone knows you well!
You love them!

A photo book of our Disney trip!  Abby loved it!

My penguins!

More home photos...just because I'm so happy you are with us!