This Christmas was a different kind of Christmas. We did not do the things we usually do...did not send Christmas cards or write a newsletter, I did not put one single ornament or string of lights on the tree (the kids decorated it with Joe while I was at the hospital with Joshua), I only baked one batch of cookies, presents that we purchased were very minimal, we did not put out any outside lights, did not drive around to see neighborhood lights or zoo lights, we ate leftover lasagna on Christmas Eve - a freezer meal that someone had provided for us, and Christmas was celebrated in town with no family visitors. However, we were blessed. The kids received generous presents from family, friends, and people who called themselves St. Nick. We were given a working oven from a friend that heated our leftover lasagna. We were invited to a friend's house for dinner on Christmas Day. They offered to watch the kids too - so Joe and I could go to the hospital to see Joshua together. It was hard to not have all 6 of our family members together, but we were so grateful for the Bolins. We enjoyed a delicious Christmas dinner together with their family when Joe and I got back.
Truth be told behind the smiles in the photos I have shed many, many tears in the past two days. Christmas was very difficult this year. I had to forgo opportunities to visit and feed my son in order to spend time and do memory-making activities with my other three. On Christmas Eve my heart felt ripped in two as I had to choose between sleep and seeing/feeding Joshua. It seems silly I know, but almost 4 months of stressful jam-packed days and late nights are really taking its toll. I desperately wanted to go to the hospital and hold him and cuddle with Joshua on his first Christmas, but physically it would not have been a good choice. Then on Christmas morning after all of the presents were opened I really, really had a hard time. Emotionally and spiritually I was pretty much at rock bottom. Thankfully Joe helped me to pull it together and enjoy time with Joshua and with our friends that evening.
The Lord has heard my cry, has seen my tear-stained cheeks, and knows my heart. I need my son home...soon.
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