Uggghhhhh!

I'm done, I want to throw in the towel, I want to quit.  I've thought this many times throughout the course of this journey and am feeling it again today - The weight is too heavy.

I am so weary and worn.  Although Joshua is doing better, life still is awful.  At least when he was very sick I felt a little more justified in my sadness, now I just struggle more with feeling these thoughts.  This new life has been going on for over 3 and a half months; one would think we are used to it.  I talk myself into trying to suck it up and make it work, but I can't, I falter and fail on all accounts.  The kids are so tired of being taken to and fro - even when it is to their best friends' houses they whine or complain.  I don't spend much time (let alone quality time) with the older three because I'm either pumping or at the hospital or driving them to friends.  They say they want Joshua home so that Mommy and Daddy don't have to go to the hospital anymore.

My relationship with Joe is strained and all five of us are on edge or emotional.  The boys wake up in the middle of the night crying and discombobulated and need extra hugs.  Our home is in such disarray; we don't have time for keeping things organized or clean, plus I'm not home long enough for that.  With being able to breastfeed Joshua it presents new issues with wanting to be there to feed him twice a day.  In addition to adjusting my pumping schedule to keep my milk supply up.  I'm waking up again at night to get my supply more consistent.

Even when I'm with Joshua at the hospital my visits are not the same.  They are very structured and timed to get there to feed and pump afterwards.  It is rare to have kangaroo time anymore or hold him after feeding because I've gotta pump the rest out.  Joe is encouraging me that this tedious pumping is most important for the long run even though I just want to sit there and enjoy my son in my arms.  Putting him back in  bed will hopefully allow me to exclusively BF someday.  It is hard.  I need that cuddle time in addition to feeding him.  So I feel like a failure.  The weight on my shoulders is very heavy.

With Christmas coming there is an added stress of all the expectations of the season.  Presents, cards, baking, crafts, decorations, parties...There is a lot that I have let go of this year, but that doesn't make it easy.  These things that I want to do with our kids clutter my mind and sit on my shoulders even though I know I won't have time for them.  I want to go shopping (something I really enjoy) and just buy the kids everything on their wish list, as if "things" will make everything better, but it won't.  It won't buy me time and it won't buy true happiness.  I'm VERY thankful for friends who have decided to help us out with Christmas shopping and wrapping. It helps lighten the load.  Donna the desk clerk at the NICU has reminded me that this is a year to be a gracious receiver.  That I'm always a giver to my kids, my husband and others and it is okay this year to switch roles.  And I'm constantly reminding myself that this year IS different and it is okay to forego some of those traditional activities in order to be present.

This Christmas I have been reminded again of Emmanuel - God with us.  God is always present.  I constantly need reminder of this Truth because truthfully I don't feel him, I don't feel him lightening my load when I ask.  I pray that this Christmas I can somehow get this weight off my shoulders.  That even though I give it to the Lord time and time again that finally He would hear and I would feel these burdens lifted.  That I would feel His grace and presence strengthening me and giving me peace.  That I would have more time physically and emotionally to enjoy being present with my family and celebrating the season.  That my kids would know how much I love them even when I can't be present as much as I would like.   For now, I'll keep trudging forward.