Our Little Miracle

Well, I admit, I went on Facebook during my 40 day Facebook-fast for Lent.  There was a legit reason (even though I did get a little sidetracked)  But during my quick check for info about our upcoming March of Dimes walk I read a post in a preemie group from a mom whose baby had just passed away.  My heart broke for this mom somewhere out in California whose little girl was born on July 4, 2013, and was about as small as Joshua.  This little girl, "their little firecracker" was now almost 9 months old and had spent every day of her life in the NICU.  In picture the mom posted of her, she is smiling and is cute and chubby and so happy looking.  If you looked past all the wires and trach she looked like a healthy little baby.  Her eyes were happy, focused, alert, and bright.  In her crib was the same Baby Einstein aquarium one of Joshua's nurses put in his crib.  I felt so sad for this mom who endured 4 more months of NICU life than we did and yet did not get to the exciting end, bringing her baby home.  As I sat there reading her posts and looking at her photos, holding Joshua asleep in my arms I felt such sadness, and yet such joy and gratitude and a little undeserving guilt.

Our journey in the NICU was often day to day, even through the first few months after Joshua was born he was still very critical and could not breathe on his own.  And like with this little girl who died, things could have changed for the worse with Joshua so easily, so quickly.  I am very grateful for all the prayers people lifted on behalf of Joshua and our family.  Our Lord heard these prayers and performed a miracle, healing our son.  But why our family? Why our son? Why are we deserving of such things?  I do not feel deserving, I had many dark, dark thoughts and struggles and yet the Lord answered our prayers.  Our son is home.  Life is so precious.  I am so grateful that I can hold my son (as I write this post one-handed)  grateful I get to see his smile, smell his sweet scent, kiss his soft cheeks, hear his giggles, and hold him close.

People could argue that it is modern medicine, but yet modern medicine does not "cure" all micro-preemies.  Doctors are not god; they can only do so much to sustain a life.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Job 1:21

And the time in which Joshua was born shows Gods plan as well.  According to my OB about 10 or so years ago during the early days that she practiced, children born with their eyes fused shut were not given any resuscitation measures.  With Joshua's tiny eyes fused shut and an Apgar score of 1 at birth, he would not have made it out of the operating room.  Even with modern medicine it took a team of neonatologists 15 minutes to get Joshua's heart rate and respirations stable enough to leave the operating room and travel down to the NICU. 

Thank you Lord for our little miracle.  I know you have big plans for Joshua.