Home

A new friend and her daughter went HOME from the NICU yesterday after 175 days in the NICU.  175 days!  Today is day 77 for us.  I admire them for enduring almost 100 more days than we already have. 

HOME is a word that has grown extremely dear to my heart since this journey began. 

At the beginning of our time here in Columbus, Joe and I treasured our family being HOME together with his weeks upon weeks of travelling and being out in the field for his job.  Joe missed many, many weeks of Abby's early life and it was hard.  So one day I bought a wooden plaque that now hangs over the threshold in our family room that reads, "There is no place like home."  It felt so good for our family of three, then our family of four, then our family of five to be HOME together!

Now talking about HOME just brings tears to my eyes, because I long to take my son HOME.  To be a family of 6 all together at HOME.  One of my lines (that they didn't use) for the NCH commercial was, "He has two brothers and a sister waiting for him at HOME"  I couldn't even get the words out of my mouth without choking up and having tears in my eyes.  My heart yearns, longs, pains for us all to be together someday.  I tear up at the end of the commercial when the little girl says, "My favorite present is being home."
http://youtu.be/2Gv1rhcL7Kk

Last years commercial was ALL about HOME.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db3r_7UCSGY

Many days in the NICU, I feel as if we will never get to the end.  Yes, it should be a matter of time, no matter the outcome we WILL see the end of our NICU stay.  Even with our friend it eventually came...after 175 days, but what will that day look like for us?  I can't even see it far off in the distance.  Joshua is not bouncing back from the surgery like we had hoped.  Everything seems to be at a standstill.  No improvement to get off the vent again, no improvement in his intestines in order to start feeds.  It is like I'm sprinting up an escalator going the wrong direction and the escalator is at top speed.  Or maybe it is more like trying to swim out of a whirlpool.  It is spinning and spinning and pulls you in to the center, and you struggle to swim to the edge for safety.  Eventually you may get there, but it takes all of your strength and if you take a second to rest, it just pulls you farther from your goal.  Sometimes you may get pulled under the water and get a mouthful, but eventually you fight to come up for air and keep fighting and keep swimming...just keep swimming, just keep swimming ;)  It is very discouraging going day in and day out with no end in sight.

But today I'm reminded in an encouraging (snail mail!) letter from a friend that this is not our home.  As a believer in Christ my home is in heaven.  As much as I long to be home all together in our house we will still have struggles, there will still be suffering for Joshua, for Joe and me, and for our family because we are human, because of the sin in this world.  So as much as I desperately long for Joshua to be home, I must remember that our 3 bedroom, two story house in Hilliard, is not our ultimate goal.  One day we will be home in heaven and I long for that place even more.  To be with all 6 of my children, to put an end to Joshua's suffering, to live with our King.  I long to be HOME.