* Joshua's Journey: Shhhhh....don't tell...

Joshua - I'm tired of being a bystander mom. I'm tired of not being able to pick you up when I want to, tired of the nurses being your caretaker. I'm tired of nurses being in the room so when I hold you it isn't even a private time together. I'm tired of not being able to pick you up and comfort you if you are crying. Tired of the looming fear of a brady or desat if I disturb you. Tired of not being able to adjust your mask if you look uncomfortable. Tired of wishing I could be with you more. Tired of feeling torn between home and the hospital. Tired of nurses taking my job to dress you, wrap you, feed you, clean you, suction you. Tired of feeling helpless. Sooooo today, I did something about it but SHHHHHH....don't tell....

I was holding you swaddled, not kangarooing. Our nurse had finally left the room and I was just struggling with all of the emotions being a bystander mom, plus some other things. I was very stressed and needed a break from the room to clear my head. But I didn't want to ask for help, I didn't want to talk to the nurses or chit-chat about your conditions, or watch them do things I am perfectly capable of doing - I just wanted to feel like a normal mom to you. So I stood up all by myself and put you back in the crib all by myself! All your wires and tubes were a tangled mess, but I DID IT! I've been watching all this long enough to know what to do and felt pretty confident. Plus it is a lot easier on Si-Pap than the ventilator with no tube down your throat. The only thing I was a little leery about was unhooking and rethreading your SiPap tubes through the crib slats, but I did that too with no desats! Then I took a few photos and rewrapped you and untangled and positioned everything just perfectly. The nurse came in when I was all done. I thought she was going to yell at me, but she didn't say anything. I think she assumed another nurse helped me. I'm just thankful I wasn't caught in the act!!!