Bittersweet!

Maybe I'm weird, but the end of this NICU chapter of Joshua's journey has been bringing many sad emotions to surface.  I hate the NICU, hate that my son is sick and has had to fight for his life there.  I hate the fact that it tears our family in different directions.  I hate that my older three cry because they miss Mommy, they miss normal life.  I hate that I'm pulled in so many directions that I have little time for Joe or time for myself.  So seeing that the end is so close should have me shouting from the mountain tops...and I am...BUT part of me is sad too.


This chapter has become more comfortable.  I'm handling it better than ever before.  Joe has commented lately how much I'm less angry, less bitter, just more accepting and hopeful in life.  I have learned how to talk with doctors and nurses and I have gained confidence.  Change is never easy...even if you are in as hard of a place as this.  I have made relationships with a handful of nurses and I am SO sad to have to say goodbye.  I may never see some of these women who helped Joshua through this fragile time in his life.  I am so grateful for their care for Joshua and their concern for our family.  Some I know I will see again in eternity if our paths don't cross at a visit to the NICU or a NICU reunion or somewhere else.  They have gotten to know our family and they have shared about theirs.  They have given motherly advice and concern to encourage me take care of myself.  They have shown interest in our older kids.  Some have made me feel more confident for taking a stand and being a squeaky wheel in regard to my son...even when that earned me a reputation that seemed to spread like wildfire through the unit.  They acknowledged they would do the same for their baby.  Some know my sons cues better than I do and I have to humble myself and ask them what is Joshua's norm in some instances. 


And I am so torn at the very end between the need to set up our home for Joshua and spending my last days and nights in a place that in a weird way is like home.  Spending time with my NICU "family."  I felt so awful when I had to tell a desk clerk (who had been off of work for several days) that that night was our last night!  She knew the end was close, but it was an abrupt way to end things.  But working there I guess you have to get used to people coming and going.


I spent one last night from Monday into Tuesday.  They wanted me to mimic feeding on demand, ad lib like at home.  I didn't get much sleep that night...talking to nurses when I should have been sleeping on the convertible couch.  In the morning I was able to feed and snuggle with Joshua.  While I was doing so, the cleaning lady came in.  Throughout our time there, I'd talked many times with this kind woman, learned about her choice to come to America, about her war-torn country that she cannot return to at this time, about her son that passed away, and about her faith.  She confidently quotes scripture and speaks of God's faithfulness and provision.  This day she came in quietly singing.  She can be difficult to understand sometimes with her strong accent.  I was not sure if she was singing in her native tongue or in English.  We talked a little about Joshua and how tomorrow was THE DAY!  She was so happy for us and gave all the glory to God.  She told me again how she prays for the babies and families as she moves from room to room.  And then as she mopped the floor she began to sing again...and this time she told me what she was singing.  And I joined in...
We are standing on holy ground,
And I know there are angels all around
Let us praise Jesus now
For we are standing in His presence on holy ground
And you know...I had never thought about it before, but C4B Room 29 is holy ground.  I am certain that there are angels all around my son, protecting him.  Jesus is healing my son and like I've said before He has kept Joshua from worse diagnosis...bad symptoms that amount to a relatively simple fix.  What a wonderful moment of worship that I will treasure in my heart forever.  Singing praises with a woman who takes her simple job of cleaning rooms and uses it to shine Jesus' light.


And as the days are quickly coming to a close and my sadness over leaving and my anxiety over the change, I've also been comforted by Chris Tomlin's song "Whom shall I fear" (God of Angel Armies)
I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
God is with us on every side.  He is already ahead of us, with us at home and knows what challenges we will face, what emotions I will feel and I will put my hope in that.