Open heart surgery

I've been working on this post for a while...started it about 10 days ago and am posting it today...


Open heart surgery...this is my surgery, not Joshua's.  I look back on these past 4 and a half months since my water broke and think about the time that has passed and, in a way, I feel like I'm in the middle of open heart surgery.  My heart has been torn in two.  The pain that has been inflicted is real and raw.  My life has been turned upside down.   What little joy I had has been taken.  I have reached lows that I didn't know were reachable.  And cried till absolute exhaustion.  But through prayers of others and my own prayers I am beginning to see the work that God is doing...on my heart. 

I am thankful for the prayers others have lifted for Joshua when I do not have the strength to lift one on my own.  Yes, the Lord has been working on Joshua.  I don't always like God's timing of things or the length of time that passes before Joshua is healed from one ailment to another, but He is healing Joshua.  A blog post I read opened my eyes to a new way of looking at things...One doctor said to this mom(in regard to unexplained symptoms that were resolved in her daughter), “there is no scientific reason. Your Christian faith has protected your daughter, my friend”.   And I am beginning to believe that this has been the case for Joshua.  If you ask any nurse who has taken care of Joshua they would say, he has been through the ringer...he has read the preemie book and checked everything off the list, but he is doing SO WELL and has come SO FAR from where he was.  Some of his diagnoses never amounted to much.  There were several days where Joshua has really bad symptoms, but cultures and tests came back negative and it was Jesus who protected our son.  The God of angel armies has gone before us, stands behind us and is always with us. 

In my heart though I have seen the beginning of changes...

Recently, I can honestly say that I'm okay with this journey taking longer than I desire.  I trust that each day has some purpose for us to be in the NICU.  Either for me to shine my light to others, for others to shine their light and encourage me, for Joshua to grow stronger so we don't end up being readmitted...each day I trust in the Lord's purpose.  I entrust all of these NICU days to Him.  I am confident He will use it for good.  If I need to be in the NICU 100 more days to learn to count my blessings or to find joy, hope, peace, forgiveness then I accept that.  God is working on my heart.  He has been working these past 129 days (now 140), but I know I still have a ways to go.  Some days I have peace walking into the NICU knowing that God has placed me in this moment for such a time as this.  He has prepared me for this and will work good in each day of this journey.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Phil 1:6 
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I can also see the ways that I have been stretched physically and ways that my personality has been stretched.  Every day I have an opportunity to work on being bold and expressing concerns to doctors and nurses.  Every day I have the opportunity to work on my confidence for the person God created me to be.  Every day I have the opportunity to work on communicating with my husband.  I still have a long way to improve on these!  In my tiredness, it is hard to formulate  words and sentences clearly; my mind is mushy and jumbled.  I need to rely on the Lord for strength.

"May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
    be pleasing in your sight,  Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14


My heart has also been stretched in asking for help, allowing myself to show vulnerability, letting housework go, letting *some* perfectionism go.  I listened to Ann VosKamp's advent video about perfectionism being a gateway for the enemy to rob you of peace.  How true.  I am never at peace with my imperfect, cluttered house, with expectations I have for myself, or my children.  But through this time people have seen my imperfect house *gasp* and I have to be okay with it because there is really no time to clean, do dishes, laundry, sweep etc.  I have to let it go. 


This journey has also given me opportunity learn the value of time.  Each moment of time is more precious than ever as I have to split my time between home and the hospital.  Joe reminds me of the value of my time very often. 
In this time, I have also had to learn to be still...physically through kangaroo time and pumping time, but also figuratively as we wait and wait for progress and results.  Kangaroo time - up to 6 hours in a chair in the same position will teach anyone to be still!  Now when I cradle-hold Joshua I read Bible verses to him or make more headway in Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts.  Right now the pace of our lives is at such a sprinting pace, I have to consciously make time to be still.  Every moment of the day has to be filled with something productive since my time is so precious.  But slowly, I am learning the value of time and the value of being still physically and mentally.
Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

For two years I have prayed for joy.  Is this awful, painful experience how I expected God to lead me to joy?  to lead me to thankfulness?  There are days like today when I'm able to write this and I can see the work that He is doing.  There are still other days that I am down in the dumps and can not grab onto anything to get me out of the darkness that I find myself in.  I am scared that as I go through this journey that I may find myself on the other side the same old Sarah desperately wanting to find joy in life.  Wanting to find passion in my faith and for my family.  Wanting to find peace.

As this journey continues, I have also learned a lot about people and their hearts...Some people have greatly surprised me with their ongoing willingness to help and bless our family.  This is a LONG journey and I am blessed when people remember my son.  And yet other people have hurt me by ways that they don't acknowledge or seem to "forget" what we are going through.  Sometimes this has hurt me deeply.  I have remember that people will always fail me, not meet expectations, but
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."  Psalm 46:1
His love never fails!

I pray that this surgery would cut out the ugliness in my heart, that I may learn to more deeply love, find joy & peace, show patience in ALL things, be kind even when I'm frustrated or hurting, show faithfulness to my Lord, and self-control in my speech and actions, to work on forgiveness.  and
"Rejoice always,  pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
and that I would recognize that ugliness and sin and know - without a doubt - the love my God has for me that he would give his only Son and make this wretch his treasure. 

I pray that as this journey continues to Joshua coming home,  I pray that I can see His faithfulness.  That I take more time to give my kids my full attention.  To notice the blessings that all my children are.  To awaken my eyes to see beauty in the mundane and have peace in this life.

Lord, I pray that this open heart surgery of sorts, and its healing process will make me more like the Sarah you created me to be.