Joshua, my son...

You are in pain.  A pain that no one so little should have to go through.  A pain this mom wants to bear for you.  You wince and grimace, but I can't do anything for you.  You cry but because of your tubes, no sound comes from your mouth.  I want to touch you, but I'm scared.  I want to hold you, but they won't allow it.  They tell me it is okay to hold your hand, but there is no hand to hold.  One hand has a peripheral IV, the other has the sat probe.  One foot is bandaged from multiple heal pricks and is wearing a blood pressure cuff the other has your PICC line.  Your side and back has a bandage covering the incision from your surgery.  There is no place to hold, no place to touch without causing you more pain.  So they sedate you, give you boluses of Fentanyl and I try to feel your pain.  A pain from surgery that I felt not too long ago.  The tingly, dizzying, awful feeling of narcotics and the feeling of pain whenever you move.  It wouldn't be so bad it they left you alone, and they do...sometimes.  But then there are times when the nurse needs to check you, then the doctor 5 minutes later, then the NNP 10 minutes later, then the respiratory therapist 10 minutes after that...better give him a bolus, he's not tolerating the pain they say...  WAIT a second!!!  He's in too much pain to transition him to kangaroo, but you will give him bolus upon bolus to check him 10 times?!  Wouldn't the best medicine be for his Mommy to hold him?  I've been a mom long enough to know that when a child is in pain they want their mom.  They want to be held, they want their mother's touch, their mother's kisses.  Not be all alone lying in a lonely bed.  Upon my chest you would have no pressure on your PDA incision and we both could have some good medicine to give each other.  My heart pains and my soul cries for you.  Tears haven't come yet, but I know they will.  I can't be strong much longer.  I love you and I will put up a fight to hold you soon.  You are MY son.