As a runner you would NEVER sprint during a marathon unless the end is in sight, but that is how I feel. From morning till evening life is a sprint right now. Wake up, call the hospital and get an update, pump, try to get the older 3 ready, settle an argument, get myself ready, pack (or eat) lunches, discourage the yelling, encourage the sharing, pump, take them to a friend's house, go to the hospital, rush to make sure the nurse hasn't started care time without me, help with care time, talk with a doctor, nurse, NNP, RT and/or researcher and ask 100 questions to try to understand everything...then pump, kangaroo, help with the next care time, rush to pick up kids and I'm probably running late despite best efforts to be on time, take the kids home, pump, help kids finish the rest of the day, pump, oh wait it is 9pm have I haven't eaten dinner yet...wait - did I eat lunch? I think I ate breakfast...well at least I know the kids ate 3 square meals... Ugh is it time to pump again, really, again?! I hate this pumping thing! Then try to communicate how the day went with Joe, try to spend time together, and then check my e-mail and post a status update...now it is past midnight and I maybe have 5 or 6 hours of sleep before I get up and do it all again. And this does not include days when I attempt to homeschool, attempt to do laundry or dishes or cleaning.
The end is not in sight, not the end of our hospital stay and certainly not the end of our health journey with you, Joshua. I am tired, weary, and yet those words don't even describe how I am really feeling. NOW add a sick little croupy Jeremiah on top of that and a little David who has a bad cold/cough and even the days when I'm stuck at home (like today) feel like a sprint and I didn't even get to see you! That makes Mommy sad. Don't your sister and brothers know that they are supposed to stay healthy this fall/winter so I can visit you?
I need to learn some pace during this long marathon race. You'd think I'd know how to do that when I used to be able to run 6min, 7min, or 8min mile pace in my sleep whenever I needed to, but yet in this race it is a lot harder to learn pace. Every day seems like race day; when is there time to practice and learn pace??? I feel like I've missed a lot of opportunities with my kids at home and you at the hospital as Daddy and I just try to keep our heads above the water. Maybe if I could just pace myself I could work on being in the moment more instead of thoughts racing to what needs to be done next. Praying for the energy and discipline to learn pace. Because sprinting this marathon just makes me want to hide in a port-a-potty and never come back out ;)
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