In one week you will be two months old and I wonder where the time has gone. The seconds, minutes, hours and days sometimes go so slowly that I wonder how I will ever make it to another day, but yet as I look back I get sad thinking of all the time that has gone by and all the moments that I have missed with you. This is a time when you should still be with me; you should still be in my belly. I want to feel you kick. I want to feel your tiny hiccups inside of me. I want you to make my belly all distorted with your somersaults. I want to still be wearing maternity clothes. I want to have sleepless nights because I'm uncomfortable in bed, NOT because I'm waking up to pump or because I can't sleep from worry. I want to be with you all.the.time.
I have missed so much because you have 3 siblings and although I try to be at the hospital as much as possible, I can't be there as much as I want to be. I wish you were my first, so that I could spend my days with you and my nights too if I want to. I want to kangaroo you several times each day, to do my best to care for you one of the few ways that I can. Lately we are lucky if we have time to kangaroo you once a day.
I have missed some of your firsts and it makes me sad. It was a happy day when you were allowed to wear clothes, but I did not get to pick your first outfit or dress you for the first time. A nurse has taken my place and it is not fair! There are few things to get excited for in the NICU and I want to be able to participate. I wish I would have spoken up. They give you sponge baths now too and I have missed your first bath. Hopefully I will get to be there for other firsts like a bottle, or a tub bath, or first real smile.
My heart is sad each time I leave you. I do my best to say goodbye through the plexiglass and blow you goodnight kisses. With your siblings I didn't have to say goodbye to them at night for many months, sometimes after a year. It wears on mommy saying goodbye night after night, just wishing for a "normal" night. One where I could get you out of your bed myself, whenever I please. Where I could hold you without a nurse's help to maneuver tubes and wires. Hold you and not have to stay still like a statue sitting in a chair for fear you'll have a desat or brady. Hold you and not have to say goodbye.
There are some days where I have not been able to see you. It makes me so sad on those days when I cannot be there for you, whether it be household things to attend to, sickness, colds, or that I mentally and emotionally need a break. I don't necessarily need a break from you, just from the nurses and the prison that sometimes I feel like I'm in. I can't care for you the ways that I know how. I can't care for you freely, but only under watch and supervision in the confined space of your isolette.
You seem to be growing so fast even though you are not even 4 lbs. yet. I look back at photos and barely recognize the purple skinned boy who was so sick and frail that I gave birth to less than 2 months ago. It plays with my emotions because I'm so happy you seem to be getting stronger and overcoming obstacles, but I am sad because during those early days I was even more so stressed and scared and new to the NICU and I was at the mercy of nurses and doctors and monitors. I was scared to touch you or take a picture of you, my son. I miss the days gone by, I wish I could have enjoyed them more. I would have asked to touch you more, asked to kiss you, taken more photos, just sat and talked to you more. Hopefully we will many more opportunities for that.
Sometimes I'm still scared that you will never come home. Each time the phone rings my heart races a little and I hope and pray it is not bad news from the hospital. It is hard to be optimistic and get excited about your successes. Each time I allow myself to rejoice in your success, I turn around to get knocked hard to the ground with some other problem. The other option is to just continue on in a pessimistic state just assuming that everything good will be taken away and not feeling happy for you. It is a really hard balance. Often it feels that others on the outside looking in are more grateful for the successes you have experienced than I am, but I have to remind myself they do not know all of the details and ins and outs of what we go through daily. I sometimes just have to protect heart.
I miss you, my son. The second I place you back in your isolette after kangarooing - I miss you. Blowing you one last kiss - I miss you. Taking that long walk back down to the parking garage - I miss you. Laying in my bed at night staring at the little Joshua display on my wall - I miss you. I will keep trying to be there for you in the ways that I know how. I will try to enjoy the moment and not get bogged down by the little things that steal away my attention. I will try to daily put my trust in the Lord even though this is just a crappy situation and not a way for a little one to make his start in the world. I do NOT understand why we have this trial placed before us, and before you, but I pray that someday the Lord will make our path straight.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
--Proverbs 3:5-6
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